Smile though your arm is patchy...

"Poo elbow" is a skin condition I have been afflicted with since my mid-teens when I first discovered L'oreal Sublime Bronze. No matter how much careful exfoliation goes into that patch I still end up with a ten-tale line about 5 shades darker than the rest of my skin. Give a fuck. It's better than a cancerous mole.

I thought I would share some classic fake tan faux pas, because well laughter is the best medicine (even if it's at yourself!). Please find below...
a) Poo finger
b) Cowpat palm
c) Fecal feet
d) Just the worse. I can't believe I afflicted this on myself. Twat.

Thicker, longer eyelashes? Yes please!

We all want to achieve the sexy flutter of lots of long lashes. Cruelly God awarded some girls with little more than a few milimitres of short stumps. False lashes are great, but can look a little obvious if you're not adept at applying liquid eyeliner near-perfectly. And it's a fine line between feline sexiness and bad tranny. There are three creams to solve lash-length woes that any serious beauty addict needs to know about:

• Latisse - not for the faint-hearted. This prescription-only drug is very hard to get hold of in the UK and while lash lengthening and darkening has been reported in patients, side-effects such as iris darkening have also been reported.
• Mylash - almost identical to Latisse in composition and results achieved. Mylash is available in the UK, but you will need to have a consultation at a participating UK salon. Apparently 92% of consumers are happy with the results, which might soften the £200 price tag.
• Talika Eyelash Lipocils - This mixture of natural plant extracts promises to encourage eyelash growth and strengthen existing eyelashes. It can be purchased from trade beauty outlets or from ebay for about £10-£20.

Long live the Pidg

I'm not going to lie I fucking love my new bag.

It's called the Pigeon. It's got a grey moc croc finish with a front covered in soft, pink feathers. It's the sort of thing that one can wear with anything to anything. It's fucking brilliant. I love it. And it comes in a dusky grey (the tit), a sleek black (the crow) and bright mulit-coloured (the parrot).

Available from http://www.asos.co.uk/

Pore Posh…

If you’re an oily skin sufferer like posh you’ll know that flash photography is not always your friend. It can highlight the greasy film that penetrates past your foundation and even your powder to sit proudly on your T-zone. Oily skin throws up a number of beauty dilemmas and even if you have learnt to combat blemishes, you are likely to suffer from unsightly visible pores – that can look black if left untreated.

You’ll be laughing in 20 – 30 years though, as your arid compadres desperately apply moisturiser morning, noon and night to keep their skin looking young - while your face flourishes like a well-watered garden.

Until then here are my top tips for keeping black heads and visible pores at bay…

- Steaming… There’s no need to waste money on a branded steamer: simply fill a bowl with hot water and chuck a towel over your head. This will open up your closed and dirty pores making the ‘removal’ process a lot easier. Put a couple of drops of Tea Tree Essential Oil into the bowl which is antiseptic and wipe your face with a cotton wool ball soaked in Pure Distilled Witch hazel.

- Exfoliate… A harsh exfoliater can actually encourage the sebum glands to produce more oil. A nice gentle one is the aptly named Gentle Exfoliating Scrub from Avene. Use it everyday to dislodge black scum.

- Overnight… When my pores were looking particularly polka-dot print the other night I rubbed this blemish gel by Australian Tea Tree (below) all over the offending area – nose and cheeks – by morning they were much better.

- Cosmetic… Okay so we can’t be perfect all the time with our skincare routine. I often fall asleep in my make-up and wake up a greasy mess. Thank the lord for a new innovation from Benefit – the PoreFessional. I haven’t bought this yet (payday permitting), but did have a fabulous demonstration in Debenhams, Croydon. The tingly menthol cream glides easily on for “translucent pore coverage and smoother-than-smooth skin”. She applied it over my make up on my forehead and ta-da grease patch gone!

RIP St Tropez

"Farewell to Thee! But not farewell, To all my fondest thoughts of Thee; Within my heart they still shall dwell, And they shall cheer and comfort me.”

It is always a sad day when someone close to us passes into the ether. It may be a relative we have known all our lives or a friendship we have struck up in recent years.

Today St Tropez it is you.

Courtesy of a good friend and fellow tanning addict, I have just discovered shameless rip off (in both name, design and efficacy) St Moritz. The shame and humiliation I felt when queuing in Savers, Worthing High Street with my credit crunch can soon dissipated when I did a practice spray on one arm at my desk. When I saw the deep and streak-free colour developing I knew I was onto something great.

Once home I applied one coat of the ‘light to medium’ colour to my arms face and torso. The colour is amazing: a deep, sandy, Italian brown with significantly less orange hue. One light mist and I look like I’ve been holidaying in the south of France. God alone knows what the ‘medium to dark’ version does. I’d even go as far to say that the monster munch odour is slightly more bearable

I’m off to buy ten cans.

The Tooth Fairy

I was inspired to share my dental experiences after reading Simon Crompton's piece in The Times today about cosmetic dentistry - and in particular the horrors of veneers. Simon Cowell and Katie Price are probably the respective Poster-boy and Poster-girl of the big, white holiday smile, but crucially they have the funds to pay for the constant upkeep. On Katie Price's reality TV show one of her veneers falls out on the way to a book signing and her team of publicists are on the phones to private dentists to negotiate an out-of-hours appointment. If that was you or I we would be walking around with a sharp, ugly filed down tooth for days until we could see someone.

Crompton's piece talks about Rachel Fieldhouse, who has been awarded £50k by her dental practice. She had only had them a year when her veneers began to fall off and devastatingly one tooth died, so she now has a dental implant as well. Rachel had just one darkened upper front tooth when she orginally went to her dentist, so why was she advised to get veneers?

I sympathised with this story because I had exactly the same problem as Rachel. One tooth of mine (to the left of my front teeth) was what dentist's would call a 'peg tooth' - a thin, small tooth, not much bigger than a baby tooth. It was darker than my other teeth and I hated my smile from one side. This small tooth did not have a substantial root to support a veneer, so - thankfully - this was never an option.

I got my teeth whitened, but all it did was exagerate how much darker the small tooth was. The small tooth was also a lot more sensitive and when the whitening tray was in place I experienced shooting pains up my gum. I began to worry the tooth might die or fall out if I carried on.

I went back to my dentist (an NHS dentist in Worthing) and she said she thought she would be able to make a realistic colour match and also increase the size of this tooth using just cleverly applied white filing to the tooth front. The procedure meant minimal damage to the real tooth.

I couldn't be happier with the result (it is on the left between the front tooth and the fang) The shape and colour is improved, with minimal damage to the real tooth.

Glamorous lady imparts beauty knowledge shocker!

A glamorous friend of mine (please ignore the 'special' man loitoring in the background) shared one of her beauty favourites with me at the weekend which I thought I would have to share with you.

Bobbi Brown Corrector is a top-notch concealer. It comes in a variety of shades, which is great as we know that undereye circles vary from the purplish shades of tiredness to the grey-green of pot smokers. Any beauty consultant at the Bobbi Brown counter can advise on the right shade for you.

Our guest beauty blogger raves: "The delight of it is the creamy consistency that doesnt sink into the fine lines and delicate skin under the eye, plus the Bisque shade has just the right amount of yellow in it - it's brilliant for photos."